


Here Comes The Monkey

by God1643



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Exotic Pets, F/M, Out of Character, Runes, Tattoos, just plain weird
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-28 01:02:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17777591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/God1643/pseuds/God1643
Summary: Harry gets into Runes, and does a couple of really dumb things. Then, some really smart things. And another dumb thing.Then... well... "WHO BOUGHT HIM A MONKEY?!"How about you read and find out precisely what that means?It's way funnier than it sounds.





	Here Comes The Monkey

Two figures stood in a small room. The only entrance was a door with an arched top, that stood ajar. The two figures were of an equal height, but only because the elder of them was so hunched over.  
The younger held out a hand, gripping a silver chain. At the end of the chain was a large, flat platinum pendant that had been extensively tooled in runes. A massive sapphire, cut expertly into an octagonal shape and more than two inches in diameter sat in the center and glowed with a pulsating inner light.  
The younger spoke, as the older took the pendant reverently.  
“Now, I’ll admit, it can’t do much, but I figured it’s better than nothing. If you know any others like yourself, let them know I have some spares. This is the best one I made, but the others will work just fine. Aside from the prototype, that’s a souvenir for myself.”  
The older, his beady blue eyes and dour face pinched up into a strange mockery of true gratitude, gathered the younger up into his arms with a murmured chant of ‘Thank you, thank you.’  
“Oh!” The younger exclaimed, surprised. He patted the older man’s gnarled back hesitantly.  
“This means everything to me. Thank you.” The older, a man named Argus Filch, whispered.  
“It was but a gift, from a thankful boy to a man who saw his suffering.” The younger, Harry Potter, said with a small smile.  
As Argus draped the pendant over his neck, bright emerald magical sparks leapt from it, much as similar coloured pyrotechnics had done for Harry in Ollivander’s wand shop three years ago.  
Argus inhaled deeply and straightened out his gnarled back, grinning wide. Harry mirrored it, and handed over a conductive rod of refined silver.  
“This should do for now, but I must insist you head for Garrick when the Hols come.” Harry said. Argus gave Harry another embrace, and skipped, literally skipped, out of the room.

Harry Potter was thrilled!  
The new bracelet worked!  
Well, technically not a bracelet, as that implied it was worn by a human, but he wouldn’t dare imply that Hedwig was so low as to be afflicted of human jewelry.  
He wasn’t stupid.  
Hedwig, obviously reading his thoughts with her incredible and indelible bird mind, preened, proud of her obvious superiority over the stupid boy who couldn’t even hide his thoughts from an owl.  
Not that she wasn’t a very special owl, no, of course she was.  
That old lady in the Menagerie hadn’t been lying while she used that baby voice, right? How could a voice so soothing and caring be that of a liar?  
No, ‘Heddy-Wiggy was a very good owl!’  
And no one would tell her different, thank you very much!  
Anyway.  
The bracelet allowed the mundane and not at all special animals to speak to Harry, a true breakthrough in runes, if Harry did say so himself.  
Some animals were too advanced, such as the higher monkeys, raptors, most reptiles, and others who used their minds to deflect the reading intrusions made via the magic of the bracelet.  
Hedwig, due to some treats and her incredible loyalty to her human, allowed the gentle probe to slip into her mind and subsequently, lowered herself to the base language of the two-legged ones.  
“Good morning, Harry.” Hedwig’s speaker projected, in an accent so refined it could cut glass. Harry let loose what was obviously a very manly squeal of excitement and danced a small jig.  
“HEDWIG! My friend! We can speak to each other now!” Harry exclaimed, shouting his joy to the heavens. Hedwig’s voicebox let loose a small, ever so refined, chuckle, which quickly devolved into laughter.  
And subsequently, through the incredible flowing stream of positivity through their familiar bond, fell into a fount of joy from her human.  
Dancing, or really shuffling up and down her perch, Hedwig joined into the jig.

Harry rapidly employed his translator to the animals near him. Crookshanks had some remarkable advice about knitting with yarn, which rather explained why he was always batting it around.  
It also explained his permanent frown.  
After all, that kind of expertise, inborn into a species, only to lack opposable thumbs?  
A cruel fate.  
A cruel fate indeed.  
After discovering that it worked on Hedwig, Crookshanks, Parvati’s mouse Prada, Padma’s mouse Socrates, Su Li’s raptor Rendflesh, and Millicent Bulstrode’s African dwarf shrew Bitty, Harry decided to test out more advanced animals.  
Calling on his considerable, expansive, incredible and spider-like web of resources - meaning sending a pleading letter to Hermione’s parents - he managed to secure a new animal.

Harry groaned.  
He was bloated.  
Full. Oh, so very full. Was it worth it?  
Absolutely.  
Fifteen bowls of mashed potatoes, twelve ladlefuls of scrambled eggs, fourty thick cut strips of cherry smoked bacon, twenty hoecakes- which were much like pancakes but made using cornmeal, and four roast chickens.  
A good first breakfast to return to the school with after Christmas break spent with the Grangers.  
A steady, foreboding thrum, thrum, thrum, of beating wings echoed over his head. Harry looked up to see twelve black eagle owls, flapping in perfect tandem, carrying a large cage.  
Breaking out into an excited grin, Harry piled high his plate with bacon and offered it up to the birds.  
They each gave him regal nods as he untied their burden.  
Then, as they were all free, snapped in eerie sync to glare at each other, posturing over the plate. Harry, knowing precisely what to expect in this situation, squeaked in fright and bolted, just as they began to wrestle and fight over the smoked meat.  
Harry clutched the cage tight in his hands as he ran for the Room of Requirement.  
The large, arching doors swung open on silent hinges as he entered, setting down the wooden cage crate. Reverently, he pried open the lid with his fingers and felt his face soften.  
Innocent, delightfully bright and soft eyes looked up at him, confused at the situation.  
Harry smiled with closed lips, ensuring his teeth did not bare as that was a threat in this creature’s culture. He offered a hand, palm open with a small pile of almonds.  
The creature stared back, suspicious.  
Harry slowly reached over to pluck an almond from the pile and pop it into his mouth.  
Observing carefully, the creature realised the food was safe.  
Snatching up an almond with her little fingers, the Saimiri Vanzolinii, or Black Squirrel Monkey, sniffed the nut curiously before deeming it safe and beginning to nibble.  
Harry gave a soft chuff of greeting, and patted his shoulder. The young Saimiri scrambled up his robe with incredible grace, and perched upon his shoulder.  
Harry placed the almonds in a pile on his head, and slowly began to lower himself.  
The Room of Requirement supplied him with a soft chair, and Harry steadily sat down. The monkey hummed in content with the situation and continued onto another almond.  
Harry chuckled softly and opened a book from his backpack.  
He settled back into the chair, occasionally replenishing the pile of nuts for the monkey.  
Just as Harry turned onto Chapter 3, the monkey’s face appeared, leaning down over his and meeting his gaze with hers. She gave a chuff of greeting, and Harry returned it.  
“Hello, Saimiri. I shall call you Sam.” Harry said softly. Saimiri pawed at her ear with a limp wrist, a motion of confusion. Harry gently tapped her chest.  
“Sam.” He repeated. Sam tapped her own chest. Harry smiled without teeth and granted her a ripe pear, the natural sugars a fantastic treat for an omnivore.  
Sam chuffed out a small laugh and dug into her treat.  
Harry settled back into his book.

When Harry returned to classes the following monday, after not being seen since leaving the Great Hall in such a flurry on Friday, with Sam on his shoulder, there were some questions.  
“I wanted a companion more comfortable with the daytime. I felt bad for Hedwig.” Harry said, as an excuse when a particularly nosy Ravenclaw repeated a question for the fourth time.  
Sam seemed to love the attention, grooming Harry’s hair and climbing all about. There was a small bout of attention grabs between Hedwig and Sam, but their love of treetops and Harry soon bound them very close.  
Harry, afraid of potential damage, was waiting until Sam grew to adulthood to utilise the translator, but was keeping detailed notes on her behavioural changes.  
The ambient magical exposure, whether from the castle itself or constantly perching on the shoulder of one of the most powerful wizards alive, did seem to be having an effect.  
Sam’s senses sharpened, categorizing threats with lightning speed and settling back down even faster. She moved at super speed in the treetops while Harry worked in the Forbidden Forest, and her strength grew to the point that she loaded her arms full of stones, for whatever freaking reason, and held herself up using one finger.  
Her prehensile tail was strong enough that she could hang around upside down on slick surfaces, simply by the sheer grip she was applying.  
One of the wooden slides used for the curtains on his bed was cracked! Magically reinforced to withstand teenage boys constantly falling into bed, for decade after decade, and one freaking monkey defeated it.  
Then again, Sam was no ordinary monkey.  
She watched on with keen blue eyes as Harry crafted his finest array yet, utilising magically inert gouges, chisels and gravers on a flat silver disk, set in red german pitch.  
Sighing, Harry flipped up the magnifying monocle from the side of his glasses and removed them, massaging the bridge of his nose. Sam tapped his cheek and he turned to look.  
Sam rubbed at the side of her face with a limp-wristed paw, showcasing her confusion as she had first done weeks ago. Harry granted her a soft smile.  
“It’s alright my darling. Just a tricky carve.” He assured her. Sam nodded her understanding. She stood on her hind legs and pointed at his stomach, then curled her fingers into a soft fist and tapped her lips.  
“Indeed, my darling. Let’s grab some supper, and then I’ll get back to it.” Harry agreed, and stood to leave the classroom. Sam settled onto his moving shoulder and began grooming her human’s hair again.


End file.
